Like with most aspects of my life, I waited until the last minute to have my taxes done. But with April 15th quickly approaching, I figured I should probably get my shit together and get that locked up. I probably could’ve saved some money and time by doing them myself, but seeing as I still use my fingers for basic addition and subtraction, I figured it was in my best interest to hire a professional. So the other morning, Deb, my tax lady, called to tell me that I was getting $3,000 back this year. Yes folks, you read that right, $3,000. Now I know what most of you are thinking: money changes people. Well, I’m here to assure you all that now that I have this $3,000, I will not change at all. I will still remain the same old Ashley Garmany you’ve grown to know and love. I know everyone who comes into money says that, but I really mean it.
I really hope though, that now that I have this $3,000, I won’t be inundated with people asking to borrow money or to help pay for their cars or buy them fancy things. I’m just going to try to continue living my life as normally as possible. I can’t help but wonder, what should I do with this ridiculously large sum of money that I now have? Pay off most of my car loan? Pay ahead on my student loans? Buy groceries? I started putting together a list of possible ways in which I can spend this $3,000. This is what I’ve come up with, thus far:
-I could cash my return check, get it all back in singles, fill my bath tub with the singles and then roll around in them naked.
-I could go to Canada and survive off the money for about 2 months.
- I could go to Mexico and survive off the money for 8 years.
- I could buy a new 42” HD plasma television for the sole reason that I think it would awesome to watch Dirty Dancing and see Patrick Swayze’s butt in Hi-Def.
-I could buy a video camera and fulfill my lifelong dream of recreating my own version of West Side Story, with myself in both the role of Maria and Tony.
-I could pay a guy to pretend to be my boyfriend and come with me to meet my parents so my dad will stop asking me if I’m a lesbian.
- Kroger is having a 3 for a $1 sale on Twix. That’s 9,000 Twix bars. I would never have to go without a delicious cookie caramel bar ever again. (I hope I did the math on that right, I ran out of fingers and toes to count on.)
-Pay Lady Gaga $3,000 to make a private appearance at a party I throw. Realize that it will take a lot more than $3,000 to get Lady Gaga to appear at a private party I throw. Pay Lindsay Lohan $3,000 to appear at a party I throw.
-Buy a plane ticket to D.C., find Hillary Clinton, cut off a lock of her hair, add lock to my Women of Washington Weave Collection next to Condoleezza Rice’s lock.
-Use the money to self-publish the autobiography I’ve been working on for the past 4 years entitled Mother, May I Sleep With Danger? The Ashley Garmany Story.
-Buy $3,000 worth of bagels. Fill my bath tub with them. Roll around in them naked.
As you can see, the possibilities are endless. When you suddenly come into so much money, it really makes you take a good long look at yourself and ask, who am I? I’m still trying to figure that out for myself. I’m also taking suggestions on how I should spend this wealth, so feel free to leave your recommendations.
You should put that money in a long term bond or something — I’ll use PF’s time machine to grab the money when it matures and bring it back to 2010 for you — that way you’ll have like $30,000 instead of $3000. Much, much more to roll around naked in.
Oooh, come to Canada. I can show you around. But our dollar’s about par now so you may have to go back before your 2 months is up.
You should change it to nickels and spray paint them gold, then pile them up in a vault and dive in Scrooge McDuck style
Buy $1495 worth of peanut butter, $1495 worth of jelly, and a $10 shovel > > > dig a big hole, fill it with the peanut butter and jelly, open the world’s first “Peanut Butter and Jelly Spa” > > > become rich and famous, get addicted to meth, go on Dr. Drew Celebrity Rehab, tell him he’s a wuss.