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Intelligence is relative.

The Good The Bad And the Ugly Photo Op

September 1st, 2010 · by nonamedufus · Observational Humor, Video/Pictorial Humor

Sadly, these days our politicians live and die by – no, not their promises, policies or platitudes – their image. Today politicians are only as good as their last photo-op. Let’s see if we can illustrate what I’m talking about. Russia’s Vladimir Putin was some years ago the object of ridicule. No not a politician, you ask? Oh, yes, my naive nut cake.

But today, after the advice of an image consultant and a push-up or two, Mr. Putin is an outdoorsman. Recently he was out shooting whales with a cross bow. Go Vlad.

Closer to home, President Obama was caught in a bad moment during the Gulf oil spill debacle.

Not good. But after an image consultant went to work and aids advised him to appear more relaxed he took their advice and went on vacation. Why, by gosh, he’s just like you and me. He golfs…

And he bikes!

That’s a nice helmet the leader of the free western free world wears. Cute.

Here, in Canada, Prime Minister Stephen Harper has benefitted from image consultants and photo-op advisors. After all he went from this…

To this…

To this…

Hey ya got a license for that thing?

But politicians aren’t the only ones to get stuck in sticky situations. Look at poor Taylor Swift. First it was Kanye “Imma let you finish” West…

Then she got stuck with Steve “Imma make the rules” Harper…

But even the best advice and training can’t always prevent photographic hiccups. Take the Prime Minister of Canada and the President of the United States (no, you take ‘em) the best of friends and good neighbours. But even best buds can get screwed over by a nasty photographer. And not jut once…

Next time call me in the morning and tell me what you’re wearing. We look like the Campbell Soup Twins.

But twice…

Is the President throwing his “I lead the biggest democracy in the western world” weight around? That can’t be right.


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Double Homicide on Tatooine

August 30th, 2010 · by Oliver Clozoff · Entertainment & Gossip, Parody

Tatooine. Armpit of the galaxy.TATOOINE (Galactic Press) — Residents of the remote Outer Rim desert world Tatooine were stunned today by news of a double homicide in the quiet moisture-farming community south of Anchorhead.

Imperial police reported that Owen Lars, 57, and wife Beru, 55, were found dead this afternoon in the burned wreckage of their farming homestead on County Road 32. Foul play is suspected, although investigators did not elaborate. The family’s land speeder and two ‘droids were noted missing by farm hands following the incident.

Luke Skywalker, 18, nephew of the two victims, is being sought by the Imperial police for questioning. Previously the youth has been fined for hunting womp rats out of season, and an outstanding warrant is on file for numerous speeding violations in Anchorhead.

“We’re all just shocked here,” said Deak Groundlubber, part-time mechanic at Fixer’s Garage in Toshe Station, known to be frequented by Skywalker. “He was supposed to pick up some power converters today and never showed up. Then we heard on the news his house was torched. I mean, he’s strange kid and all, definitely a little off, but none of us ever suspected anything like this.”

Skywalker was last seen in the vicinity of Mos Eisley, in the company of notorious drug runner Han Solo.


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This Super Hero Has A Certain Appeal

August 25th, 2010 · by nonamedufus · Satire

News Anchor: Thank you for joining us this evening. I’m Ann Core. We take you now to Times Square in New York City where our crime reporter Drag Nett is standing by. What have you got for us Drag?

Drag: Thanks Ann.  I”m here with a man dressed all in yellow, who actually looks like a banana. This man just single handedly foiled a bank hold up and turned the robbers over to police. What is your name, sir?

Banana Man: Why, I’m the super hero Banana Man.

Drag: Did you say Banana Man? What kind of a name is that?

Banana Man: Well, my parents gave it to me.

Drag: And who are your parents?

Banana Man: Well, my Mom was Chiquita and my Dad was Monte, Del Monte.

Drag: Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Banana Man: A bunch.

Drag: Do you work on your own?

Banana Man: Sometimes I’ll work with my cousin Herb.

Drag: Herb?

Banana Man: Herb Aceous.

Drag: Uh-huh.

Banana Man: Yeah, he needs the bread.

Drag: Bread?

Banana Man: Yeah it’s not like they’re mutually exclusive: banana, bread – duh.

Drag: Is there anyone else we should know about? Is there a woman in your life?

Banana Man: I’ve been known to date.

Drag: I fig-ured as much.

Banana Man: Yeah, my main squeeze is Paula Pulp.

Drag: Oh and what does she do?

Banana Man: She’s a peeler.

Drag: A stripper?

Banana Man: She prefers the term exotic dancer.

Drag: I see. So tell me, how did you become a super hero?

Banana Man: Well I got my training at the Fruit of the Loom boot camp.

Drag: Boot camp?

Banana Man: Yeah, you see there’s a whole um, ah, basket of us fruit.  Those guys doing underwear commercials are actually rejects.

Drag: The purple and green grapes, the apple and the gooseberries?

Banana Man: Yeah, those guys failed miserably at boot camp. They were simply the pits. Not that they weren’t nice fruit. For example Mr. Apple was a swell guy right to the very core.

Drag: I see. But you. You succeeded?

Banana Man: Yeah, me and my banana buddies. But once we’d been picked for super herodom we bananas split.

Drag: You bananas split?

Banana Man: Yep, after all we were ripe for action.

Drag: Where was this boot camp?

Banana Man: At an undisclosed location. In Banana Republic.

Drag: I see.

Banana Man: Sure we super heros in training needed a quiet place. A place…

Drag: Let me guess: a place where bananas could have an outlet for their aggressions?

Banana Man: You got it.

Drag:  And were all the recruits successful?

Banana Man: No, I’m afraid some were yellow, just too frightened to be a super hero.

Drag: Why did you want to be a crime fighting super hero?

Banana Man: Oh I’ve wanted to be one ever since I was little.  My interest stems from that.

Drag: And now you’re a successful super hero.

Banana Man: Hey, I produce results!

Drag: So tell me, how many Banana Men are there out there? Are there lots of you guys fighting crime.

Banana Man: Heck, no. You think we grow on trees or something?

This interview was originally conducted over at nonamedufus.


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My Shittiest Parody Ever

August 23rd, 2010 · by Oliver Clozoff · Entertainment & Gossip, Parody

A parody of America’s classic song “Tin Man.”

SHIT CAN

Sometimes late when folks are real hungry,
And wake to make a quick snack for themselves
Some will fail to check the expiration date
Of food that sits among the shelves

No, I never did squirt nothing down the shit can
Like the dia– diarrhea that I have
And I don’t think hemorrhoid cream will stop this burning
Need some topical anesthetic salve

So please, believe you me
When I sit pushing out brown, brown, brown
Splatters stain the commode
Hear it flushing down, down, down, down
Hope it swallows that load

Oh, I never did poop nothing down the shit can
Like the dia– diarrhea I just had
And food poisoning’s the reason my gut’s heaving
And these colonic cramps that hurt so bad

So please, believe you me
When I sit pushing out brown, brown, brown
Liquid from my bowels
Hear it raining down, down, down, down
With farts that sound like vowels

No, I never did squirt nothing down the shit can
Like this dia– diarrhea I just had
And I chugged a quart of Imodium, it ain’t relieving
This barometric pressure that hurts so bad

So please, believe you me…

Ooooooo, ooooo oooooo
Aaaahhh ooooooo, oooo oooooo…..


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South Pacific Gets Dirty

August 19th, 2010 · by Derek the Intern · Video/Pictorial Humor

(Were you aware that my other show, Music Video Theatre, is approaching its one year anniversary? We are running contests to celebrate, you can find the information here:)

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Second Refugee Ship Set To Land

August 18th, 2010 · by nonamedufus · Observational Humor, Parody, Politics

Canada Rocked by Aging Influx

Quick on the heels of last week’s landing of the Sun Sea cargo ship containing 490 Tamil refugees, which in and of itself sparked a considerable debate among Canadians over the issue of illegal immigrants, comes word a second ship is steaming towards the port of Vancouver in search of asylum.

According to Canadian Coast Guard officials, the ship the ShouldbeDeadandGone is listing slowly towards Canada after having been turned away from every country it has attempted to gain access to date.

While the government is remaining tight-lipped over the nationality of those aboard Coast Guard officials say the limping vessel contains members of re-formed 60s pop groups.

Public Safety Minister Vic Toetapper says group members were led to believe they were joining a Dick Clark Rock ‘n Roll Revival and paid as much as $40,000 to $50,000 per member for the passage. “Dick Clark is making a massive profit at the hands of these washed up musicians,” said Toetapper.  ”And now these washed up musicians are washing up on our shores. It’s not righteous, brother. Well actually it is.  I understand Bill Medley is among the passengers.”

Minister Toetapper: “First the tide rushes in, plants a kiss on the shore”

When asked for his comment, Prime Minister Stephen Harper said, “Hell, man, I’ll jam with anybody.”  The PM, who has visited Abbey Road Studios, performed Beatles songs in concert and jammed with Brian Adams, Nickleback and the Barenaked Ladies, inquired, “Is Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers aboard? I just love that do-wap shit – as Canadians well know.”

PM Harper: “I think this is how Steven Page got himself into trouble”

Coast Guard officials were able to confirm the 47th incarnation of the Beach Boys were aboard having some fun, fun, fun.  They also indicated the surviving members of Gerry and the Pacemakers weren’t gonna let the sun catch them crying. Meanwhile, Donovan was doing what he could to help the ship’s mechanic ensure the aging vessel made it to Canadian shores, given his experience as a hurdy gurdy man.

In a clear case of the pot-belly calling the vessel black, former Guess Who lead singer, Canadian Burton Cummings said,”Hey, if no one else wants these aging rock and roll nobodies, why should we take them?  We’re simply not about to share the land.  Canadians should be shakin’ all over.”

“Don’t come hanging round my door I don’t want to see your face no more”


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Neal Schon Losing His Battle With Guitar Face

August 16th, 2010 · by Oliver Clozoff · Entertainment & Gossip, Observational Humor, Parody, Satire, Video/Pictorial Humor

LOS ANGELES, CA (AP Newsliar) — Sources reported today that long-time Journey guitarist Neal Schon is losing his 40-year battle with Cithara-Fatsia Syndrome, better known as “guitar face.”

Guitar Face is a debilitating condition that strikes thousands of musicians a year. Research funded by the American Guitar Face Society suggests it is a neurological disorder, resulting in involuntary facial contortions which are correlated in severity to the difficulty or emotional poignancy of guitar riffs being played. Schon was diagnosed not long after joining the band Santana as a teenage guitar prodigy at the age of 15.

But after years of repeated treatments and remissions, the 55-year old guitar virtuoso’s battle is nearing an end, and his doctors have given him only a few weeks to live.

Schon has felt his condition deteriorate considerably over the past months. On occasion he could not listen to soft rock on the radio without breaking into a musical grimace, and more recently, even elevator music would cause uncontrollable facial twitches.

A spokesman for the ailing musician has stated that Schon is resting comfortably surrounded by his family members, and they have asked the press to respect their privacy during the difficult days ahead.


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American Idle

August 11th, 2010 · by nonamedufus · Entertainment & Gossip, Observational Humor

In the doldrums of summer there’s nothing better to keep an idle American interested in American Idol (see what I just did there?) than to leak stories about the coming season’s panel of judges.  After the Ellen experiment exploded (oooh, nice alliteration) in the executive producers’ faces things looked about as bleak as Kara DioGuardi’s next paycheck. (Who?)

But now, Idolettes, word comes of a truly unique pairing of pop music people to join Randy Jackson (who?) on the judges’ dais.

The first is Aerosmith lead singer Steven “Living On The Edge” Tyler who himself let it slip he’d been pegged to replace Simon Cowell.

Um, these ears are gettin’ old. Can you crank it down a notch?

Next up is Jennifer “I was Ben Afleck’s main squeeze but then I married Marc Anthony” Lopez.  Nice pair.  Hey! I mean the pair of J.Lo and Tyler.

Woah! Is that thing for real?

What are the producers thinking?  And they haven’t even gotten the three judges together to see if they click.  Can’t you just imagine how that meeting will go?

Randy: Hey Dawg, wassup?

Steven: J.Lo’s got a gun..

J.Lo: I’m not gunnin’ for ya, Steve.  I’m just “Feelin’ So Good”

Randy: Was it much of a “Journey” for you guys to get here?

Steven: Not at all. I was in the neighbourhood so all I had to do was “Walk This Way”

J.Lo: Hey guys, “Let’s Get Loud”

Steven: Yeah, if we’re to make this work we’ll have to show some “Sweet Emotion”

Randy: Wow, Dawg.

J.Lo: I think you’re right Steve.  I think we’re getting along now and I just knew we would.  Actually I’ve just been “Waiting For Tonight”

Steven: Oh, me too.  And I “Don’t Want To Miss A Thing”

Randy: Damn, Dawg, you and the lady are so fine.  I’m happy to be in your posse.

Steven: “Dream On”

J.Lo: C’mon guys we need to get along. We need to show some admiration for one another.  After all “Love Don’t Cost A Thing”

Randy: That’s right, Dawg.  Hey, look there’s Ryan Seacrest. Have you guys met him yet?

Steven: “Dude Looks Like A Lady”

Fat? Yeah, I was fat. I had man-boobs out to here, Dawg.


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Misappropriated Music: MMM Watchu Say

August 5th, 2010 · by Derek the Intern · Video/Pictorial Humor

This song has finally sunk off the charts, but it’s still a crime against sampling that we have put right.


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Back In The Saddle Again

August 4th, 2010 · by nonamedufus · Observational Humor

Quick now.  Who sang “Happy Trails”?  Well it was Roy Rogers and Dale Evans as they rode off into the sunset at the end of their latest celluloid adventure.

Rogers died in the late 90s.  And just when you thought it was safe to go back on the prairie, along comes an auction of the King of the Cowboys’ possessions.

Rogers rode a horse in his westerns called Trigger.  Turns out, when Trigger’s soul went to that great corral in the sky his body remained on earth.  Rogers had him stuffed and not put out to pasture but put in a museum.  Yep, but now the Roy Rogers and Dale Evans Museum is closed and recently Trigger was auctioned off.  Make for a great conversation piece in the middle of the living room don’t you think?

Happy entrails to you.

But there’s more.  No they didn’t stuff and auction off Gabby Hayes.  But next best thing.  You see Rogers had a dog, too, named – wait for it – Bullet.  And, you guessed it, He got stuffed – and it wasn’t from Kibbles n’ Bits.  Bullet was auctioned off too, to the same guy that bought Trigger.  Hell, makes sense. You’ve got to have a matching set.

Selling price? Trigger went for $266,000.  Bullet was a bargain at $35,000.

There’s still more.  Dale Evans had a horse named Buttermilk.  Buttermilk’s “reamains” sold for $25,000.  Now I’m not sure why you’d buy a horse’s remains, nor how you’d display them.  But whoever bought them, serves them right.  That’s what you get for floggin’ a dead horse!

Roy, Trigger and Dale in happier times.

This post originally appeared at nonamedufus


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